Cracked Foundation
Cracked Foundation
The following written to help me to work through my thoughts and past. It is not a plea for sympathy or a plea for attention. It is a inner journey to my personal thoughts and feelings on certain aspects of my life.
Growing up was strange for me. I was born to a military family and had to move around quite a bit. Dad would be gone to the field for weeks at a time it would seem. Much of this time for some reason is a blur to me. A few details such as cities we lived in, some teachers , and a couple of people tend to stick clearly in my mind. But a lot of my youth tends to be a blur. My mind is funny that way it seems. Things that one would think would be important is foggy and unclear whereas things that might seem trivial are clear as day.
Growing up, due to being the oldest child, I had to be the foundation for my mother and brothers. Having to take more responsibility at a younger age than most I would gather because of dad doing his duty for our country. When he was home it was not always sunshine and ice cream. He was very strict. Punishment would now a days ended him up in jail and me and my brothers in foster homes. But during that time abuse was not as scrutinize. At least is seemed in our little corner of the world.
Some might say I am over exaggerating on this point. I have probably had a belt used on every part of my body, both the strap and buckle. I have had wrenches and other such items thrown at me. One wrench at one time tended to make a good gash on my head. Push ups and sit ups to the extreme were also common punishments. Even one time had a stock of shot gun cracked over my back because went to the wrong part of the woods I wasn’t familiar with. And later that day spent a good 4-5 hours splitting and stacking wood on my own as part of the punishment.
Nothing was ever said outside the family because it just wasn’t done that often during that time. It just wasn’t. Handling of children wasn’t scrutinized as much. Spanking was an accepted way of punishment. Thin part of it was also family wise we contributed it part to how my father was raised. He was the only son born to a pair of alcoholics. Having to bail his parents out growing out more than any can imagine. Probably an undiagnosed case of fetal alcohol syndrome. Can’t really tell. Just something we just accepted in regards to my father.
Back to the story I guess. As I said was the foundation for my family. Guess inherited that aspect from my Grandma Barb. She was the glue that held her children together enough to be civil in family gatherings despite personal feelings. This was evident when she passed away. Though things are slowly repairing themselves in this aspect. But as the foundation I have had to bear a lot of the frustrations of my mother towards my father and his behavior. Had to help take care of my brothers, especially during the time dad was working third shifts and mom was working two jobs because we were not financially doing well.
Guess a lot of this made me grow up faster than I should have. To some aspects this I realize is some of the root of some of my child like behavior at times. Because I wasn’t allowed to act as a child. I had to be a mini adult in some aspects because I had to be there for my mother and was expected to be that by my father.
When I left high school and went to college I wasn’t planning on doing much except to go to school, attend classes, study, go home, and work. Than I got involved with the Student Activities Board. During my time here I learned a lot of great leadership skills and met all sorts of interesting people, including some up and coming stars at the time that are in some aspects big names today. But in my later years with this group a lot of things fell on me because the presidents were too busy dealing with bs politics or just didn’t want to do their jobs. Once again, I was the foundation. While dealing with this dealt with people that would make a lawyer and politician blush with how they preformed dirty deeds. In some ways this hardened me and made me realize how naïve in worldly events and dealings I was. But in some ways didn’t prepare me for what was coming.
During my time with SAB discovered paganism and was learning about my new found spirituality. As I was exploring this new world found those like me. They were wanting a group on campus for our shared spiritual beliefs, from that the Pagan Student Alliance was born. Many things were wrong from the get go with the organization. I was too inexperienced in the world around me, pagan matters, and just dealing with people overall. Too many that had my and the group’s “best intentions” at heart really didn’t. They wanted their own spring board to power. But during this time somehow I became the foundation of a whole community as there were really no groups locally at the time that catered to pagans.
People came and went with the group. Made some close friends and as many enemies. Some of my fathers controlling tendencies grown on me and hurt the group. In some aspects I just was not ready for such responsibility. Yet I kept going no matter how few came on given weeks.
Was later approached by a couple to help with a community group. Little did I know at the time this was going to be what eventually would crack me. I accepted since was close to finishing college and would be the next natural step to do what I did in college on the community level. Things started out great, and we did great things. But as the two groups interloped more as did the drama and idiocy. What affected the one tended to affect the other. Also between both groups I had at times one or two meetings a day each day of the week. And to add to the pressure I quit my job in hopes to walk into something more in my field of study. Unemployment went basically over a year. All this together cracked me. Thus the foundation couldn’t hold any more and the world came crumbling down around me.
Due to some actions at this time I was basically person non grata in these groups. People I thought were friends basically wanted nothing to do with me. I was alone. During part of my unemployment roomed with a friend who was never home. Basically had a few months to my self to think things through to start to get back to the basics. What I needed though, even if I didn’t know at that time, was to return to complete ground zero. Eventually got that by moving back in with my parents. During this time returned back to ground zero spiritually, financially, and many other aspects of my life.
Now I’m slowly at my own pace becoming a foundation within the community. Choosing my words and actions more carefully. Though at times tempted to lash back out but know better to keep personal thoughts out of group functions. True friends are back in my life, with some new ones. The posers basically have fallen and have gone to the shadows to live their own lives only to try to pop up now and then to see if it is safe to come out. To much their chagrin I’m still standing though they tried to take me out. And this time I am more equipped to take them on if need be. Though will avoid that if at all possible.
Things are not all rose colored. The family I have tried to be the foundation for all these years has broken as my parents are now divorced. Don’t really converse with parents much since this has happened. Guess part is I want my own life without having to worry about their issues. My father has tried to buddy buddy with me and my brothers though we try to distance ourselves to a point due to our past. This is one thing I know at some point I need to heal but he still sees nothing wrong with his actions in the past. He don’t understand why we are so distance from him. But that is one of those cracks that might never be repaired.
Some of the damage will never be repaired. I’m afraid I think to a point to be like my father and not truly show love properly that I would drive someone close to me away. In some ways it has affected how I present myself and how I have let myself go in some ways over time. But in some ways the new foundation is stronger and will be harder to take down. But weaknesses still are there, and probably always will be.
I know there are some that will just see this as personal attacks. If so oh well this isn’t about you. It is about me and my life. You were just a small aspect of a bigger issue. An issue till recently that I didn’t realize how it has affected me and now am able to put in some coherent thought and words.
In the end this is written more for a self journey to understand myself better and how I look upon my own life. Lessons people learn here I hope are many. Even if one lesson is learned than my job is done. If not at least it makes a somewhat interesting story, which could be debatable in some stories. And hopefully gives some insight into yours truly.
As always….In service of the lord and lady
Raed “Buddha” Edmee/ Howler
So mote it be,
Howler
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Balance
A poem about I think 7 years old or something like that.
Balance
by Howler
Within us all a battle takes place
A battle between good and evil
Where everybody’s soul is at stake
One side stronger than the other
Which side that is varies in all
One’s ultimate goal is to keep the balance
The balance between good and evil
The good and evil within us all
Without one the other can’t exist.
Though many try to purge one or the other
A task that can’t be completed
For without one the other can’t exist
So day to day we fight this battle
One that is as old as time
What is the prize of reaching this balance
A prize greater than none other
Control over ourselves and our destiny
So mote it be,
Howler
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We Are Pagans
A little something I wrote a couple years ago. More of a poem than an article type writing.
We Are Pagans
by Raed “Buddha” Edmee
We are magick makers, healers, and scholars
We are men, women, and children
We are white, black, red, yellow, and any other color of person put upon this earth.
We are lovers, fighters, and dreamers.
We are conservative, moderate, and liberal
We are teachers, students, and parents
We are many and we are one
We are children of the divine in its many facets
We are rich, poor, and in between
We cherish all living things
We laugh, cry, and hurt just like you
We have a connection to the world around us that many others don’t understand
WE ARE PAGANS!!!!
And we are proud of who we are.
So mote it be,
Howler
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In “God” We Trust
Another couple year old piece. Written when the whole deal with the pledge was on going.
In God We Trust
by Raed “Buddha” Edmee
An epidemic has been blazing throughout the Pagan community. An epidemic that could change the very core of our beliefs. the “God” seems to be disappearing. Many are probably wondering “What do you mean? The lord is alive and well.” Think about this, when someone sneezes in a roomful of Pagans, how many say “Goddess Bless You” . Or when something outrageous happens how many say “Oh Goddess” or “Oh my goddess”? How many are in agreement that “One nation under God….” should be removed from the pledge?
It just seems that some Pagans shy away from the word “god”. Some of this is probably caused by what seems to them the constant force feeding of God in the brick “prisons” with stained glass windows every Sunday of their youth (yes I mean church). A lot though comes from chapter after chapter about the goddess in many Pagan 101 books and maybe 1 or 2 pages devoted to the god/ male aspect of the divine.
As Pagans we need to first realize that there is a big difference between (G)od and (g)od. Our view of god is the lord and husband of the goddess. He is the male half of the divine. He is needed for the continuance of the cycle of life. He is NOT the ruthless tyrant from the Christian lore who throw you into a fiery pit of torture because you didn’t follow his law to the letter that is laid out in The Bible.
Also as a community we need to realize when something like the pledge mentions God, we should envision him in our own way. This in the long run will keep us from losing our rights due to a few freaks who can’t see beyond the words. It is the spirit that means more than the letter in many cases. Also in our Pagan 101 books the god needs to be revered more but equal to the goddess. This has started with the author of “Wicca for Men”, A.J. Drew. His first two books (Wicca for Men, Wicca Spellcraft for Men) focus more on the male aspect of the divine. But more steps need to be taken.
It is great we revere our sacred mother as Pagans, but let’s not forget our sacred father. For he cherishes us as much as her.
So mote it be,
Howler
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Pagan Persecution
More archiving. About 2 year old piece
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Pagan Persecution
by Raed “Buddha” Edmee
“Remember the Burning Times” and “We have no rights” seem to be the battle cry of the pagan community. Especially as the members of our community are getting younger and more susceptible to believe everything that they read and hear. What many have to realize is a) there has been no burning or hanging of pagans or witches for some time now. I mean do any of you reading any pagan or witch that has been hanged or burned because of their faith? B) We have the same rights (at least in the U.S.) as any other citizen.
This paranoia is being spread as every “fluffy bunny” hops upon the internet and finds sites upon sites citing “REMEMBER THE BURNING TIMES”. If I had a dime for each and every one of the sites that have this section I’d be very well off. As newcomers looking for information on the web encounter these sites they get the impression that pans are still the centerpiece of a Christian bonfire.
Treatment from “holy rollers” tends to perpetuate this misconception. Remember they are a vocal minority within their community and don’t speak for the community as a whole. Some people don’t know how to explain their views without putting others ways life down. This is just human nature rearing its ugly head. Though the whining about it tends to fuel their arguments and make matters worse. Confuse them and respond with kindness. If things don’t improve just walk away. Novel concepts too many, I am sure to some in our community. In the end it is you that controls these confrontations not the attacker.
Don’t get me wrong, there are valid cases of religious discrimination out there. Those though can be handled in our court system. But there are still cases of discrimination regarding gender, sexuality, race, etc. These will exist as long as there are human beings. Just nature of our beast. We fear that which is different, and in some cases it is hate bred through ignorance and stupidity.
As pagans if we are to advance we need to get over this persecution complex. We need to remember the past without it dictating our future. We need to step forward if we are to be taken seriously.
It is a shame the likes of the inquisition and Salem Witch Trials happened. I feel for those who lost their lives over such ignorance and stupidity. Just remember we weren’t the only group persecuted over the ages. Who was it that mad Christians kitty food? It was us Pagans. At least we haven’t been enslaved for a couple hundred years or killed by the millions in subhuman standards.
Many groups have times where they say “Never again”, they just don’t dwell upon it as much. We as a community need to do the same
So mote it be,
Howler
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Pagan Granola
Something I wrote about 2 years ago that got me in trouble with the local community at the time. More archiving.
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Pagan Granola
by Raed “Buddha” Edmee
Another month and more words and insights from yours truly. Past two months I got two major gripes of mine regarding the Pagan community off my chest. I thought about a change of pace for this month, but as you will see I decided against it. I got to thinking about what some people have referred to Pagan groups as, Granolas. It’s a funny term I’m sure to many who are reading this, but think about it. Granola (cereal, mixes, etc.) is composed of fruits, flakes, and nuts. And we all know that the Pagan Community consist of more than its share of all three.
These three components help keep our lives interesting BUT they also are keeping us down. These groups tend to be the most vocal and out in the front members of our community. These are the members that even Ray Charles can spot 5 miles away. These are the ones people base their opinions regarding us as pagans on. What follows may be harsh and not for the weak of heart, but if we are to evolve than we must look at these aspects of our community.
First off lest start with the fruits. This is referring to some of the gay members of our community. Those who fall under this category will go out of the way to show how gay and pagan they are. You can spot them by seeing those wearing so much pride jewelry you would think they have fell into a vat of Skittles. And to top it off they have equal amounts of pagan jewelry with a hub cab sized pentacle as a necklace. These are ones who will flame bigger than our sun over every little thing. Many fruits will also complain how persecuted they are because they are gay AND Pagan. Of course for them there is no time and /or place to keep it on the down low. It must be broadcasted to the entire world. If you have yet to encounter a fruit than you are lucky. Sooner or later though you will encounter one and will probably be sooner than later.
Next up on the granola parade are the flakes. Flakes are those who watch too much Charmed, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and The Craft. These shows contain the whole of the metaphysical knowledge of the flake. The flakes like to call upon the like of Kali for rituals regarding prosperity and peace. Flakes can be those who are pagan because they want to learn to fire magic missile into the darkness. Also flakes who want to share their “infinite” knowledge with others get on the net and spread their “Charmed Magick” with everyone. To spot a flake you need to look for the Run DMC sized pentacle around their neck, the pentacle shirt, and the collection of Silver Ravenwolf books underneath their arms.
Flakes are also ones who start up their own covens and give them names like “Coven of Kindness”, “Coven of Fairies and Unicorns”, or even “Coven of Fluffy Goodness”. Lets not forget the flake knows that Wicca is the world’s oldest religion, that many witches were burned at the stake during the Salem Witch Trials, claim to be a 200th generation witch, and that their knowledge was passed down from the first primate that came down from the trees.
Sometimes we are lucky and the flakes join us in reality and become serious practitioners . Some former flakes are now renowned leaders of our community. There is hope for our flakes yet.
And our little play wouldn’t be complete without our nuts. The nuts believe they are the reincarnation of Merlin and king Arthur all in one. The nuts think they are the world’s most powerful pagan and lived more lifetimes than anyone else on the planet. Nuts claim paths that have been dead for many centuries along with the civilizations that practiced them. And don’t you dare tell a nut that they are wrong or crazy. For he will threaten to pull your pagan status and bind your powers. Let’s not forget the nut’s spirit guides, who out number the population of China, who tend to know everything about everyone and like to meddle in affairs other than those of their charge.
Nuts are the hardest to spot. But once a nut opens their mouth all doubt is removed. For they will be telling you all who is currently cursing them, who they have binded, all their past lives, all their abilities, spirit guides names, and other miscellaneous and erroneous information before they even give their name.
Nuts are dangerous because many non-pagans won’t know any better. Granted to believe what most pagans do one must be somewhat certifiable, but to the extreme the nut takes it many thin all pagans are that out there.
It is time to quit having these groups speak for us. We need to take our religion back from the Granolas if we are ever to be taken seriously.
So mote it be,
Howler
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One Book Masters
This is something I wrote about a year and half to 2 years ago. Just archiving
One Book Masters
by Raed “Buddha” Edmee
Somewhere out there there is a teenager tha has just finished “Teen Witch” by Silver Ravenwolf. They now think they know all there is to know about paganism. Or do they?
As silly as this scenario sounds this is a growing trend within the pagan community. With the reading of one book or the scan of a page on the internet, some think they are instantly the most knowlegeable and powerful pagan known to mankind.
As the number of these “One Book Masters” (OBM)increase our beliefs are diluted. The OBMs don’t realize once on this path one is always learning. When a pagan stops learning more than likely they are dead. Not to mention one must take EVERYTHING they read with a grain of salt. No one author has all the answers nor can they put everything into one single book.
That is one of the nice things regarding paganism. The answers are all around. The answers are on the wind, in the trees, and the world around us. All we have to do is choose to listen.
So to all you One Book Masters out there, keep on studying or else you’ll be left in the dust of those who continually studied
So mote it be,
Howler
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