Pagan Granola
Something I wrote about 2 years ago that got me in trouble with the local community at the time. More archiving.
-
Pagan Granola
by Raed “Buddha” Edmee
Another month and more words and insights from yours truly. Past two months I got two major gripes of mine regarding the Pagan community off my chest. I thought about a change of pace for this month, but as you will see I decided against it. I got to thinking about what some people have referred to Pagan groups as, Granolas. It’s a funny term I’m sure to many who are reading this, but think about it. Granola (cereal, mixes, etc.) is composed of fruits, flakes, and nuts. And we all know that the Pagan Community consist of more than its share of all three.
These three components help keep our lives interesting BUT they also are keeping us down. These groups tend to be the most vocal and out in the front members of our community. These are the members that even Ray Charles can spot 5 miles away. These are the ones people base their opinions regarding us as pagans on. What follows may be harsh and not for the weak of heart, but if we are to evolve than we must look at these aspects of our community.
First off lest start with the fruits. This is referring to some of the gay members of our community. Those who fall under this category will go out of the way to show how gay and pagan they are. You can spot them by seeing those wearing so much pride jewelry you would think they have fell into a vat of Skittles. And to top it off they have equal amounts of pagan jewelry with a hub cab sized pentacle as a necklace. These are ones who will flame bigger than our sun over every little thing. Many fruits will also complain how persecuted they are because they are gay AND Pagan. Of course for them there is no time and /or place to keep it on the down low. It must be broadcasted to the entire world. If you have yet to encounter a fruit than you are lucky. Sooner or later though you will encounter one and will probably be sooner than later.
Next up on the granola parade are the flakes. Flakes are those who watch too much Charmed, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and The Craft. These shows contain the whole of the metaphysical knowledge of the flake. The flakes like to call upon the like of Kali for rituals regarding prosperity and peace. Flakes can be those who are pagan because they want to learn to fire magic missile into the darkness. Also flakes who want to share their “infinite” knowledge with others get on the net and spread their “Charmed Magick” with everyone. To spot a flake you need to look for the Run DMC sized pentacle around their neck, the pentacle shirt, and the collection of Silver Ravenwolf books underneath their arms.
Flakes are also ones who start up their own covens and give them names like “Coven of Kindness”, “Coven of Fairies and Unicorns”, or even “Coven of Fluffy Goodness”. Lets not forget the flake knows that Wicca is the world’s oldest religion, that many witches were burned at the stake during the Salem Witch Trials, claim to be a 200th generation witch, and that their knowledge was passed down from the first primate that came down from the trees.
Sometimes we are lucky and the flakes join us in reality and become serious practitioners . Some former flakes are now renowned leaders of our community. There is hope for our flakes yet.
And our little play wouldn’t be complete without our nuts. The nuts believe they are the reincarnation of Merlin and king Arthur all in one. The nuts think they are the world’s most powerful pagan and lived more lifetimes than anyone else on the planet. Nuts claim paths that have been dead for many centuries along with the civilizations that practiced them. And don’t you dare tell a nut that they are wrong or crazy. For he will threaten to pull your pagan status and bind your powers. Let’s not forget the nut’s spirit guides, who out number the population of China, who tend to know everything about everyone and like to meddle in affairs other than those of their charge.
Nuts are the hardest to spot. But once a nut opens their mouth all doubt is removed. For they will be telling you all who is currently cursing them, who they have binded, all their past lives, all their abilities, spirit guides names, and other miscellaneous and erroneous information before they even give their name.
Nuts are dangerous because many non-pagans won’t know any better. Granted to believe what most pagans do one must be somewhat certifiable, but to the extreme the nut takes it many thin all pagans are that out there.
It is time to quit having these groups speak for us. We need to take our religion back from the Granolas if we are ever to be taken seriously.
So mote it be,
Howler
Topics: Uncategorized |
