Cracked Foundation
Cracked Foundation
The following written to help me to work through my thoughts and past. It is not a plea for sympathy or a plea for attention. It is a inner journey to my personal thoughts and feelings on certain aspects of my life.
Growing up was strange for me. I was born to a military family and had to move around quite a bit. Dad would be gone to the field for weeks at a time it would seem. Much of this time for some reason is a blur to me. A few details such as cities we lived in, some teachers , and a couple of people tend to stick clearly in my mind. But a lot of my youth tends to be a blur. My mind is funny that way it seems. Things that one would think would be important is foggy and unclear whereas things that might seem trivial are clear as day.
Growing up, due to being the oldest child, I had to be the foundation for my mother and brothers. Having to take more responsibility at a younger age than most I would gather because of dad doing his duty for our country. When he was home it was not always sunshine and ice cream. He was very strict. Punishment would now a days ended him up in jail and me and my brothers in foster homes. But during that time abuse was not as scrutinize. At least is seemed in our little corner of the world.
Some might say I am over exaggerating on this point. I have probably had a belt used on every part of my body, both the strap and buckle. I have had wrenches and other such items thrown at me. One wrench at one time tended to make a good gash on my head. Push ups and sit ups to the extreme were also common punishments. Even one time had a stock of shot gun cracked over my back because went to the wrong part of the woods I wasn’t familiar with. And later that day spent a good 4-5 hours splitting and stacking wood on my own as part of the punishment.
Nothing was ever said outside the family because it just wasn’t done that often during that time. It just wasn’t. Handling of children wasn’t scrutinized as much. Spanking was an accepted way of punishment. Thin part of it was also family wise we contributed it part to how my father was raised. He was the only son born to a pair of alcoholics. Having to bail his parents out growing out more than any can imagine. Probably an undiagnosed case of fetal alcohol syndrome. Can’t really tell. Just something we just accepted in regards to my father.
Back to the story I guess. As I said was the foundation for my family. Guess inherited that aspect from my Grandma Barb. She was the glue that held her children together enough to be civil in family gatherings despite personal feelings. This was evident when she passed away. Though things are slowly repairing themselves in this aspect. But as the foundation I have had to bear a lot of the frustrations of my mother towards my father and his behavior. Had to help take care of my brothers, especially during the time dad was working third shifts and mom was working two jobs because we were not financially doing well.
Guess a lot of this made me grow up faster than I should have. To some aspects this I realize is some of the root of some of my child like behavior at times. Because I wasn’t allowed to act as a child. I had to be a mini adult in some aspects because I had to be there for my mother and was expected to be that by my father.
When I left high school and went to college I wasn’t planning on doing much except to go to school, attend classes, study, go home, and work. Than I got involved with the Student Activities Board. During my time here I learned a lot of great leadership skills and met all sorts of interesting people, including some up and coming stars at the time that are in some aspects big names today. But in my later years with this group a lot of things fell on me because the presidents were too busy dealing with bs politics or just didn’t want to do their jobs. Once again, I was the foundation. While dealing with this dealt with people that would make a lawyer and politician blush with how they preformed dirty deeds. In some ways this hardened me and made me realize how naïve in worldly events and dealings I was. But in some ways didn’t prepare me for what was coming.
During my time with SAB discovered paganism and was learning about my new found spirituality. As I was exploring this new world found those like me. They were wanting a group on campus for our shared spiritual beliefs, from that the Pagan Student Alliance was born. Many things were wrong from the get go with the organization. I was too inexperienced in the world around me, pagan matters, and just dealing with people overall. Too many that had my and the group’s “best intentions” at heart really didn’t. They wanted their own spring board to power. But during this time somehow I became the foundation of a whole community as there were really no groups locally at the time that catered to pagans.
People came and went with the group. Made some close friends and as many enemies. Some of my fathers controlling tendencies grown on me and hurt the group. In some aspects I just was not ready for such responsibility. Yet I kept going no matter how few came on given weeks.
Was later approached by a couple to help with a community group. Little did I know at the time this was going to be what eventually would crack me. I accepted since was close to finishing college and would be the next natural step to do what I did in college on the community level. Things started out great, and we did great things. But as the two groups interloped more as did the drama and idiocy. What affected the one tended to affect the other. Also between both groups I had at times one or two meetings a day each day of the week. And to add to the pressure I quit my job in hopes to walk into something more in my field of study. Unemployment went basically over a year. All this together cracked me. Thus the foundation couldn’t hold any more and the world came crumbling down around me.
Due to some actions at this time I was basically person non grata in these groups. People I thought were friends basically wanted nothing to do with me. I was alone. During part of my unemployment roomed with a friend who was never home. Basically had a few months to my self to think things through to start to get back to the basics. What I needed though, even if I didn’t know at that time, was to return to complete ground zero. Eventually got that by moving back in with my parents. During this time returned back to ground zero spiritually, financially, and many other aspects of my life.
Now I’m slowly at my own pace becoming a foundation within the community. Choosing my words and actions more carefully. Though at times tempted to lash back out but know better to keep personal thoughts out of group functions. True friends are back in my life, with some new ones. The posers basically have fallen and have gone to the shadows to live their own lives only to try to pop up now and then to see if it is safe to come out. To much their chagrin I’m still standing though they tried to take me out. And this time I am more equipped to take them on if need be. Though will avoid that if at all possible.
Things are not all rose colored. The family I have tried to be the foundation for all these years has broken as my parents are now divorced. Don’t really converse with parents much since this has happened. Guess part is I want my own life without having to worry about their issues. My father has tried to buddy buddy with me and my brothers though we try to distance ourselves to a point due to our past. This is one thing I know at some point I need to heal but he still sees nothing wrong with his actions in the past. He don’t understand why we are so distance from him. But that is one of those cracks that might never be repaired.
Some of the damage will never be repaired. I’m afraid I think to a point to be like my father and not truly show love properly that I would drive someone close to me away. In some ways it has affected how I present myself and how I have let myself go in some ways over time. But in some ways the new foundation is stronger and will be harder to take down. But weaknesses still are there, and probably always will be.
I know there are some that will just see this as personal attacks. If so oh well this isn’t about you. It is about me and my life. You were just a small aspect of a bigger issue. An issue till recently that I didn’t realize how it has affected me and now am able to put in some coherent thought and words.
In the end this is written more for a self journey to understand myself better and how I look upon my own life. Lessons people learn here I hope are many. Even if one lesson is learned than my job is done. If not at least it makes a somewhat interesting story, which could be debatable in some stories. And hopefully gives some insight into yours truly.
As always….In service of the lord and lady
Raed “Buddha” Edmee/ Howler
So mote it be,
Howler
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